A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
You Might Also Like
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁