Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
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80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
The days of good grammer has went
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill