Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
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If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.