9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
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Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.