Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
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LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
I don’t think my car can fly
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.