I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
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If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Not today, today.
Not today.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
A leaf blower, but for people.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.