Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
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“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
oh u like history? name everything that happened
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!