1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
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“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Any refunds available?…
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have