Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
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“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Extremely relatable.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.