me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
You Might Also Like
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend