We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
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i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
oppen heimer style lol
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me: