Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
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*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids