Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
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Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Can’t, holding a grudge
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.