Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
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Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying