Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.馃檮
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billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn鈥檛 hacked
Me: You weren鈥檛 worried?
Dad: Not at all, you鈥檙e not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he鈥檚 kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he鈥檚 a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
#PleaseGoToChurch 馃槀馃槶