I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
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Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
I’m giving up ice.