SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
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Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
best review i’ve ever seen
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up