Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
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When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Well, this is awkward
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
This is the ideal bird body
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When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.