My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
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Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
This came to me in a dream.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.