My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
You Might Also Like
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Hard not to take this personally
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.