Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
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INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Poetry is my passion
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.