I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
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I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*