After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
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The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10