I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
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me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
jesus, what did this guy do