“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
You Might Also Like
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Can. I. Help. You.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?