Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
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Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
😅😅😅
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Breaking news:
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?