Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
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Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
yall want some gasoline milk
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.