Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
You Might Also Like
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Me trying to look natural in photos
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.