“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
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it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
My birthstone is kidney
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.