6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
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My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Deer are just ballerina dogs
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.