Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
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It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.