Watson was Holmes schooled
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*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
San Francisco has too many rules
this is funnier than any friends episode
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone