Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
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You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally