In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
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I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”