Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
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My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that