that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
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“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?