How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
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My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks