Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
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day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Does this dress make me look cat?
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane