ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
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Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
are they though??
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Woke up against my better judgment again
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left