Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
You Might Also Like
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
My favorite female superhero
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!