bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
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Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.