Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
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If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.