When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
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*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs