[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
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Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
I’m a self-made hundredaire
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix