I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
You Might Also Like
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
“Sheer Arrogance”
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!