Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
You Might Also Like
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]