*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
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Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
brian had himself a morning…
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.