Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
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*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
They say women only use 10% of their anger
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”