Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
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I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
🙀🙀🙀😹
I’m literally crying
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.