Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
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Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
congratulations to them
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair